Dead End

Kakagraduate ko lang pero parang blanko ang feeling ko. Hanggang ngayon in a state of shock parin ako sa thesis namin. Nagdusa ako ng husto sa thesis na yan, physically, mentally at emotionally. Ilang beses na ako umiyak at nagbalak mag-quit. I'm thankful a lot to Ma'am Anna, for trying her best to uplift me. Muntik pa ako magkaphobia sa PC. Pero heto ngaun, medyo traumatized pa sa computer programming. Anu na ngaun ang silbi ng course ko kung eto lang pala ang ending ko sa dalawang taon. Sa totoo lang di naman talaga programming ang gusto ko kundi multimedia. Nagkataon lang na walang available na course nung nag-enroll ako kaya in short, no choice ako nun. Grabe, inako ko lahat ng paggawa ng buong system, kaya masakit na sabihing simple lang system namin. Isa pa, wala naman kaming naging subject na VB.Net sa curriculum kaya wala kaming masasabing experience sa paggawa ng programs sa software na un. Nainggit nga ako kina Ate Toni at Kuya Julius kasi ang ganda ng combination at distribution of tasks nila sa grupo. Congratulations!!! They really deserve to be the best in thesis. I'm proud of them! ^___^ Btw, we our graduation was last saturday in SMX. And believe it or not, pito lang kaming graduates ng center namin.

First time din ako walang honor na natanggap, siguro dahil incomplete pa ako. Sisingilin ko nalang sila sa mga scholarship certs ko. Minsan iniisip ko sana di nalang ako umattend ng graduation, eh di naman binigay ung actual diploma sa amin. Nagkandamalas-malas pa kami kasi trapik na papunta at pauwi saka nagutom na kami dahil wala pang matinong restaurant na mapilian. Dito nalang kami sa Cafe Marcello Imus kumain, at mag-11pm na nun. Basta ang alam ko wala akong naramdamang any extreme emotion, excitement man o kalungkutan sa araw na iyon. Ang mamimiss ko lang naman talaga ay mga kalokohan namin ng mga klasmeyts ko sa skul. Sabi ko nga yung last term na ito is "the best and the worst".

Best dahil sa term na ito mas naging close ako sa batch ko. Sumasama na din me ako sa kanila pag kumakain o namamasyal. Dati kasi nagsasarili lang ako. Di ko malilimutan yung mga bonding namin sa Mang Inasal saka yung Red Ribbon kung saan pinagbayad pa kami ni Klang, hehe. Pero in fairness, binigyan kami ni Klang ng tig-isang box of donuts nung Valentines. It reminds me na ang Valentines ay di lang para sa mag-jowa kundi sa lahat ng pamilya at kapamilya at tropang nagmamahalan. Yung mga taong di ko akalain magiging kaclose ko, naging close and trusted friends ko. And I'm glad to have friends who are thoughtful, helpful, understanding and concerned. Thanks, Tropang K (Kulangot daw)! Hehe... Bagong 3-man team din, ang Sofer Fets. It all started sa friendster app na Super Pets. Kay Mel, unggoy. Kay Klang, raccoon. Akin, pusa. Ang saya din nga kasi sama-sama kaming nag-aral ng short course sa VB. Naalala ko pa, di nga namin nagawa yung pinangako namin na invitation sa CR eh. Hehe... *sigh* I wonder if I can ever laugh again the way I laugh with them. Every moment is worthwhile just seeing and being with them.



Worst... Nakita ko ang other side ng mga tao sa paligid ko. May angels and of course, yung mga akala mo angels yun pala demons. Di na ako pinayagang magtuloy ng OJT sa banko kasi puro daw ako absent which is not my fault kasi I started late at nagkataong finals week na at thesis pa. 1st time ko din magkaroon ng maraming absent in college dahil nagkaroon ako ng mild flare. And the worst of the worst... thesis. Ilang beses kami nagredefense. Almost 2 months kami pabalik-balik. In short, tila wlang katapusang pagdurusa. Halos maubusan na ako ng dugo sa kakabago ng program. Feeling ko tuloy para akong pako na kahit nabaon na sa kahoy eh patuloy pa ding pinapukpok. Dhil dito, lalo lang ako nawalan ng gana sa buhay, nawalan ng self-confidence, nawalan ng sigla, lakas ng loob at determinasyon. Nakalimutan ko tuloy mga pangarap at plano ko. Kelangan ko tuloy magback to zero, at magsimula uli mag-isolate. Kelangan ko ng empowerment, encouragement, mental and emotional healing, at inspiration para maging masigla uli.

Btw, meron na din ako printer-scanner-copier at saka DVD-ROM. Necessity kasi dahil sa thesis ko. Hehe... Natapos ko na din panoorin Jigoku Shoujo (Hell Girl) Season 1. In fairness, talagang madrama ending niya. Naiyak nga ako eh. I would really love to learn the song she was singing while she was burning the village. Thank u din kay Klang-Klang at napanood ko na yung D.N. Angel. Love it! Umpisa palang nahook na talaga me. Satoshi's supposed to be my first favorite character, demo I fell in love with Krad's beauty, his golden eyes and uneven hair. He really looks like a perfect prince to me, a medieval prince I would love to see placed in fairy tales. In books, I already finished InkHeart and The Tale of Two Cities. I'm now starting with Twilight. I would like also to thank Tita Bing for buying me a Sony CyberShot digital camera. I really love it!

Krad... or should I call him Krad Ysuom?
(Haha, a funny flip overed name! He might take it as an insult.) ^___^


The Bloody Enma Ai

Well, I admit right now I'm being empty, lonely and bored. I never expected graduating with a feeling like this. I realized I'm so much vulnerable especially when I feel people are bringing me down. I realized at times like this other people are much stronger than me, and I admire them. But still I can't blame myself for being affected and being negative for I'm just being realistic at times.

A little prayer

Lord, thank you for fixing things before they get even worse. I don't really like having conflicts with anybody around me, and I thank you for making situations turn out better. You know how I feel and act when I'm hurt. You know how uncomfortable I am when having misunderstandings with people around me but you know how also I am yearning for people's consideration and fair treatment. You know how I surrender everything to you when there are things I can't handle anymore. Lord, I am very very grateful for your great understanding, and I will and will always be. Amen.

Mag-smile sa Buhay...

Dec 1,2008
God said, "Let there be an emoticon in the night sky". And there was a heavenly smiley. ^___^
I will always remember that date. Mama't papa ko pa nga excited na nagsabi sa akin. Pinagtetext ko nga agad lahat ng friends ko na tumingala sila sa langit. It was late in the news that I learned that both eyes of the smiley where actually planets, Venus and Jupiter. Cool ne? Imagine the probability of heavenly bodies forming a cute face! It seems like God is smiling down on us, sending us a short message of hope and happiness in the midst of problems the world is facing. Para bang pinapaalahanan tayo na minsan tumingin sa kalangitan at alalahanin na hindi sa mundo mahahanap ang tunay na kaligayahan, at meron pang paraan, pag-asa at dahilan para ngumiti, at siyempre si Lord yun! ^__^ Kaso sayang, nabitin ako. Pagkatapos ko magdinner nawala na siya. Naiimagine ko habang pinagmamasdan yun ay parang nasa coke commercial lang ako. Nyahahaha! Ngaun pa nangyari ito sa panahon pa naaadik ang mga tao sa emoticons. Astig! Perfect timing! Kaiba din ang sense of humor ni Lord! Yeah, bagong version ng "Smile and the world smiles back with you."

Btw, meet my 2008 buddies:

I used to call her Pocket Pussy when my bestfriend named her Kutiku. Kutiku!


Meet Sunny. Tawag ni papa sa kanya Smiley Moon or Bokalites. Haha! Together with Manaphy, my favorite rare pokemon. Never expecting to see one sa Pinas kaya di makapaniwalang nakakita sa department store ng Rob Imus. Himalang nagkadiscount pa. Thank U, Lord, nagdala ako ng extra cash at that time!


Chocochoco. I call him Baby Bear more often. I'm not really in to teddy bears but everything changed when I first saw him. He's the first teddy bear I fell in love with. Lagi ko siyang dinadalaw sa store para lang makita, malaro at mayakap, at umaasam-asam na walang bumili sa kanya. Sabi ko pa nga, "WaH! Panget ka, mas cute pa ibang teddy bear sa iyo, walang bibili sa iyo. Akin ka, bwahahaha!"


My nutty squirrel from Artikel and my super pink round bouncy pig from Chuckles and Doodles. Yeah, it's fun dribbling the pig on my bed.

How's things gotten recently. Well, things have gotten better in school. Everything's back to normal or rather things got even better. Yes, truly 2008 has been a stormy year for me, but when it revealed who and how truly wonderful my friends really are, through their words of support and concern, the efforts to make you smile and laugh, the sincere and honest remarks, the encouragement and advices that make you strong, and their loyalty, trust and assurance that you're never alone in the rain... that is truly a wonderful and lovely blessing in disguise for me.

And I am also thankful to God for my first OJT after the term. It was seemingly a bad day for me but I got to know Ma'am Sybil. I learned that she was once an Adventist then turned to Baptist. She has taught and explained to me what being a born-again Christian truly means. It doesn't mean switching religions, and is not even considered to be a type of religion (Born Agains just took its name). I learned that it's renewing and strengthening you're relationship with God as you enter a new light and life in Christ in serving him. Thanks to ate Sybil. Now I confirmed it, I'm really a born-again Christian. She also talked to me about salvation, revelations and bible verses. It reminded me of Kuya Joseph. I heard that he was really a good preacher and I wished I also have been with them when he taught the batch. I wish I too have their talent of sharing the gospel but I realized I can be more of a Christian in deeds rather that in words. I believe we do need more people who act and live as true Christians. It's just sad to see that some people are driven to lose their faith more due to proud overzealous preachers and followers who tend to spoil the true meaning of God's teachings. (Kumbaga parang mga Padre Damaso at Padre Salvi).

My best friend doesn't like religious preachings but I'm really happy to know that she happens to watch the same tv mass I am watching every Sunday. We both agree that Fr. Mario is one of the coolest and funniest priest we heard. When he speaks I learn a lot. He explains it well in a way Filipinos can relate to and he's not the type to make you want to sleep. Aside from him, I also like the Christian speaker, Bo Sanchez. He really can relate the teachings to the modern times and especially to the youth out there. I like his style of sharing the word of God. He's really fluent, straight to the point, lively, fun and cool. He's not baduy, boring, high, nor O.A. I agree that when preaching you must have a new creative style that can convince the people especially the youth. They need some strategy that will catch the attention of everybody, move their listeners, make them want to learn more, follow the right way and inspire them to love, understand and influence others, instead of making men turn their back bearing hatred upon men who do not follow their way of worship.

Sometimes jokes played on you can hurt. Sometimes you don't even know if they do it to make fun of you or there's a plan beyond that. It was because they made me fall in love with someone for three days. It was a foolish feeling. It was like living in a world where you alone knows not even the person you fell in love with. It was a scary feeling too. You lose yourself or rather your whole being, wasting time on thinking things that will definitely never come true. It even started to hurt coz you're being already emotional on what-if scenarios that will definitely never happen. You decide to give up all your dreams for a person whose real feelings you're unsure of and you sometimes forget what you really are here for (which is for me, definitely not a good thing). It was a foolish thing to fall for because on the first place the joke was never found out to be true -- and it was stupid of me to get carried away. It was sort of embarrassing and I know its not right. I prayed and begged God to take this feeling away from me and help me get over it. And I'm glad God is so wonderful to understand how I feel. Thank you Lord for protecting my feelings again... Asar, æ kasi yang mga yun eh! Lakas mangtrip! Hay, Tippie, wag magpapabola, wag maging utu-uto! Pero okay lang yun, hayaan ko nalang sila kung yun ang ikaliligaya nila. Anyway, liars go to hell, beh! *evil lol*

How's predefense... Duh, almost got rejected. Good thing, they didn't. They want us to add more in it coz they said our system is too easy and basic. So again... change the title. I just think it's unfair! They already know how to make a database while (heller!) we are still starting. We still have not enough knowledge on creating a system. What we're supposed to do in our thesis were not even taught in our previous subjects! We need a lot more time to self-study if we don't want to pay for additional expensive short courses and tutorials they want us to take. Its not even reasonable to say that weren't allowed to create a certain system anymore because it is already a common topic. Why do new students get to carry these burdens! Is it just because they want something new? The thing here is not to please the panel, but to provide a company system's particular needs. There are still companies that have no automated system and as future programmers it is our job to help them and get paid. Period!

How's vacation? Partly annoyed, because there are no video rental stores here in our vicinity anymore. Video City just closed first in Robinsons then next in Imus. Damn! It's the most affordable and way of watching original movies "without stealing" and they just suddenly closed without telling their customers beforehand! If I knew they'd do that I would have already rented every video they have. They suck! They will just drive people to depend more on video piracy. So foolish naman their move... I can't even download in my PC. I'm only on dial-up and the connection's slow for large megabytes. Good thing, I have friends who lend me a copy of movies. Oh, if I just have money and DSL then I would download all my favorite movies and anime episodes I can get on the net! Wait till I get a job, you... grrr...

I just became addicted to the game Insaniquarium Deluxe. You just feed the fish, upgrade your pet food, buy more pets, and protect them from alien predators. You get a free pet that can help you in the game after every level and you get to collect shells which will be used as currency for the virtual tank store. I finished the adventure mode so I can unlock all the pets in the aquarium and make my own personal virtual tank. I even tried the cheats so I can get more out of the game. ^__^ So now, everyday I can buy a new fish from the store and make it a screensaver. It's fun watching the weird and cute looking fishies swimming, eating, playing music and collecting shells.

My Virtual Tank

Oh and how's my Christmas? Well, always as simple as ever. Lots of sweets, staying with my family at home watching movies, cash and opening gifts. I like Ate Cris's bday gift for me - a stitched butterfly on the frame. When I saw that on her blog, I already wanted one. Sadly, you still have to purchase a charcoal painting in order to get it free. That's why I'm really really happy that I received one as a gift. It's so cute and beautiful! My mom also gave me hankerchiefs, money and a sandal keychain. My dad already gave me his gift months before, the book Twilight, haha! My ninong also gave me a new jacket, a hs musical3 diary and a cellphone holder. I just missed my best friend. She always visits me during Christmas vacation but she's been too busy in her nursing duties not even having a vacation. But I'm glad I have talked with all my old friends at the phone. Hearing their voices and stories makes me glad. I really miss having fun with them all.

I loved watching The Snow Queen on QTV11. Sayang lang at hinde ko nasubaybayan lahat ng episodes. It's really a beautiful classic anime based on a fairy tale. It's a story of a girl named Gerda who went on a journey to look for her bestfriend Kay who was taken by the Snow Queen. On her way, she met new friends whose lives she touched and changed. The story is beautiful and teaches about love, courage and friendship.
Kay and Gerda

Btw, Here's our newest wreath made by my mom. Just made of old flourescent light decorated with ribbons, balls and a Santa bear! Cool neh?


Naruto Shippudden is now showing Hidan and Kakuzu of Akatsuki. Creepy but SUGOI! Hihihi! I like that dynamic duo, parang mga ewan, hehe. Nakakaloka lalo na si Hidandansuy. Nakanang Shikamaru na yan, nagmamature na talaga! Lalo mo lang kaming pinapahanga, haha! Siya pala dreamboy ni Cindz, akala ko si L! ^__^ Teka paano naman me? joke, wehehe...

Btw, I just bought DVD of Jigoku Shoujo (Hell Girl) Season 1 from Comic Alley. Yes!!! Wahoo! I desperately wanted to watch that one.
Enma Ai

Oh no, no! We will already be starting our classes this Monday. Oh God, please help me! Please give me strength and a fighting spirit to hold on and keep on going. We will be having classes the whole day from 8am to 6pm and I don't know if my body can take it without much rest. And with thesis and OJT, I don't know if I can still have time to rest and study well. Oh, how can I even give myself a break?! Can I still make it to graduation? I don't care but @_@ Oh life's so demanding, so stressful. Why!? Oh just let it happen whatever happens. Come what may...

Ippen, shinde miru?
"How would you like to know what death is like?"