Extra Challenge

Have you ever had the feeling na extra ka lang? Many times I have. Feeling ko nga ayaw na ako pagtrabahuin ni Lord. I feel like he took away all my talents. It's not my fault naman that I never improved it. I always tried so hard (as in trying hard na talaga) to find my abilities. Yes, I found it but it felt like its gone forever. I have been smart but it's like no use of all. I find it convenient to be practical and wise but most of the time lahat ng pinaghirapan ko nasisira, nawawala, nababalewala. It really feels so depressing. For example, just this october everything was going well. I have prepared, planned and studied, just then this psychosis thing came back attacking me. I even lost understanding and even simple things people say and doesn't even register in my mind. It's not that I lost hope. I just lost my self confidence. When I was just beginning to feel high and free, he held me back again. I guess he wanted me stay as young as possible. Doesn't he want me to go to college anymore? I can't hold grudges against him since I really love him. He gave me almost everything I needed and I know that he too loves me dearly like a child. I just hope I didn't anger him at anyways. I am trying to change myself but the problem is I don't know where to start. It scares me that if I ever tried to change no one not even my present friends would understand me anymore. I feel like I'm starting to lose my identity. I couldn't even describe myself anymore. You may think that I'm always happy for I really laughing at every little thing. Mababaw rin kaligayahan ko pero there are times especially when I hear others joke, nakokornihan na ako. Parang I laugh nalang at my own self. Pero syempre I always laugh at my friends' humor. I can distinguish talaga the difference. Minsan mas baliw pa ata sila sa akin. Pero I'm worried na someday kung magseryoso na ako di na nila ako kilala. And I don't want that to happen. It's just that I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Minsan naisip ko baka nagawa ko na tungkulin ko and baka sometime kunin na niya ako. Pero meron pa akong misyon dito sa mundo and maybe it's to be with my parents and my closest friends. Masasaktan siguro sila kung mawala na ako and ayoko rin naman umalis sa daigdig na ito na nagsisisi kasi iniwan ko na sila. Maybe there are still some people who will be needing me. Who knows? Well I guess sana hindi ako burden sa kanila. Di naman ako garapata e. Parang lang kasi wala na ko silbi, feel ko lang. Pinapasaya ko lang siguro pamilya ko at syempre tagapakinig ng mga kwento, dyan ako expert kasi listener ako. Kaso wag niyo ko kausapin pag sinumpong ako ng sakit dahil wala kayong mapapala sa akin. Minsan naisip ko baka gamitin nalang ako ni Lord sa kanyang purpose. (Kung sinong mabait sa akin mabibiyayaan niya) Ngeks, naisip ko lang. Sana di ko nalang sinabi pero ayoko ng awa gusto ko friend pa rin ang turing nilang lahat sa akin. Pero syempre everybody has to understand, hindi man ako mukhang sakitin pero you cannot judge a book by its cover. (Yun pala balibaligtad ang letters no, daming typogryphical errors, wrong spellings o baka di understandable...) Di ko na feel na genius pa ko. Ayoko na tawaging smart. Ayoko lang madiscourage sila. I just want to be plain and simple nalang. Let my mind rest na. God wants us naman that way diba? Pero ano bang nirereklamo ko, eh eto nga gusto ko stress-free life. Eto na nga ba yun? Nagtataka na naman ako.

Although I know the devil has its part, tinakot niya ko. But I can't blame it on him nalang coz as I have read in the bible God really does let the devil test you. I just have to hold on to faith. What I can do is to Love God and dedicate every little deed I do each day to him. Mahirap maging santo o martyr pero yan lang ata magagawa ko sa ngayon. Instead na magmukmok naman ako no. I already underwent a depression stage and I don't want to feel that again ever. I guess I need a little space to start over again. (continued in my live journal account, Change of Heart)