guess its true im half of a devil. im suffering ryt now for the sins ive done. should have it been better if i had been a loner? should it have been good it i just locked up in my own world? I knew it before. everytime i face my computer my
personality changes. I become arrogant, mean and impolite. should it been better if i didn't own a pc? should it been better if i didnt become interested in computers? should it have been the other way around if i didn't enrolled in a computer course? may be i shouldnt have tried to adopt with my new friends ways. maybe i should have died before i entered college. i waste my time chatting. i waste electricity, i waste internet cards, i waste money, i waste time. i already have no time for my family. i learn nothing of household chores. i get lazy. is my computer my devil? should i dispose of it? should i forget it? should i hate it? they all slapped these things in my face and i hate myself for it. yes, i feel dumb. im really unworthy. i am bad, uncaring, insensitive, stubborn, insensitive, selfish, a hypocrite! I think i should return to darkness where i was born. At least, whenever i feel negative, i feel more poetic. I tend to dwell on my artistic side when i feel depressed, angry or angsty. Damn! I knew these things would come but i didn't heed the warnings. I turned a blind eye. Right, i asked for it, so i have no right to complain. Guess i need to get hurt and wounded before I know how painful it is. Maybe I need to go back to my own world of make-beliefs. This human world is so painful to deal with, so difficult to cope with. You cannot please anyone, what pleases others can never be pleasing to somebody else. You cannot exercise your freedom with others, only you alone can exercise it in your mind. But im happy that i have friends who are just like me, living in their own world. Even they are few, at least we share the same thoughts and perception about this world. The bad thing is we can never escape the harsh realities of this human world. I have to accept this burden for the sake of others. It would not be fair if I am living happily while my friends are having a hard time on their own and other people are sacrificing for someone as unworthy as me. This is it! Im going to limit myself to everything. If anybody doesn't understand me, then let him or her judge me. If anyone doesn't like me, then let him or her leave me. They can only point at me, but I am the only one who can shake off and clean the dust and dirt in me. I accept it now, i can never be worthy. I can never be like who i want to be. I can only pretend to be somebody but it will never change the way I am no matter what... an unworthy soul. emoti-QUOTES:
"I think differently, maybe I'm not human."
"I threw away my pride, don't bring it back to me."
"I want to hurt myself but will it please them? No, it will only scare the hell out of them."
"Want someone to never forget you? Go, embarass them in front of others."
"My enemy is my ego, but how can I defeat myself when I am weak?"
"Eat me and I'll poison you!"
"My heart is bleeding, but why am I still alive?"
"I have blood, and blood is life, but do I have life?"
"Want to get rid of bad people? Go on, kill yourself!"
"I talk, I eat, I breathe, but I feel dead. If I die, will I finally live?"
"Fine, rip yourself! No one can bring back the pieces except you."
"If you want me dead, then make my life miserable."
"Killing yourself does not save the world from overpopulation, you just add to the pollution."
"You'll never see me smile the way I smile before, I'll just keep it to myself."
"Men never fulfill their promises most of the time, so it's sometimes good to shut your mouth in order to not to leave anybody expecting nothing."
Sept 11, 2008, Thursday
Nung araw na ito, pinadala ko na rin kay Cindel ang letter ko. Miss ko na rin kasi siya. Dami ko pinadala sa kanyang eklavu. mahal pala pag-registered mail, makulit nga ako sa post office kasi tanong ako ng tanong. Btw, kung di ko pa nakuwento, she's my special friend sa angelicum. One of my own kind, hehe. Nakilalala ko siya bilang fellow fic writer sa fanfiction.net. nagpakilala siya bilang soundsparrow sa friendster and she said na nag-aaral din siya sa angelicum hsp. i saw her pic sa friendster so i have an idea of her face when i meet her pero she doesn't know what i look like yet. i saw her inside the classroom and talked to her and asked her a question. she looked well kinda astounded, yet di pa ako nagpakilalala. nag-pm ako sa kanya, if she remember someone asking her a question in school na ganito ganyan ang hitsura. sabi niya di niya matandaan maxado pero parang meron nga. then sabi ko ako yun, haha. nagulat siya, akala niya kasi papagalitan siya nung teacher kasi i asked something about her facilitator. then she also thanked me for adding her story "Sayaw lang, Kankuro" in my favs. nagtaka nga ako baket kasi i know di naman nakaregister sa kanya ung story. then she told she is also redzin. Ha! Fate talaga. matagal ko na kasi gusto makilala si redzin, nahihiya lang ako makipagkaibigan kasi baka lalaki. natuwa kasi ako sa author kasi the way he/she makes a story is similar to my style. and i can't believe i've finally met redzin, and believe it or not girl pala siya. Haha, astig! naisahan ako dun ah! And then, we became textmates, phonepals and e-pals, too. I just wish we had more bonding time together. but im glad we've MET. ngek, parang commercial un, harharhar! yes, she's one of the reasons i became happy in my boring highschool life. the only thing not boring in hs is watching anime and we both love anime esp naruto. Ü Yep, God really knows what i need. he uses fate in order to fulfill them. Cool, ne?
Sept 12, 2008, Friday
84.7 ako sa C prog. Sayang! Sana ni-round off nalang para pasok pa rin sa half scholarship. Pero at least pasado at qualified pa sa partial scholarship. Bawi nalang ako next term. Kelangan ko lang mag-review ng java at math before vacation or else mauunahan na ako ni van mark. Waah... kaso eh dami ko pang pending movies na papanoorin, magtatambakan na lahat ng dvd, vcd at vid sa pc ko. NgyaH! Habang ojt ko nga, nag-dl ako ng shippuden mp3 sa gendou. Asteeg, kumanta kami ni van mark ng "aoi aoi ano sora!" ^_^ buti hindi lumakas ang bagyo, hekhek... Excited na ako uli makita ang akatsuki! Nagkita-kita nga uli kaming mga batchmates dahil akala namin tuloy na ang distribution of cards. Natawa ako ke ate toni aka. Quack! Kasi sabi niya siya raw kalabaw ni melissa at si melissa naman unggoy niya. Hehehe. 'Tong mga ito, dapat magmumog ng holy water eh. Hahahaha... At si Ms. No-word-of-honor, ayon kay van mark, ay xempre andun din. Kaso di naman niya dinala yung 2nd part ng Cube1. Bitin na bitin aku, grabe! Pero pare, astig ang movie, kakaiba! Naadik tuloy ako sa kakadrowing ng mga cube at pati sa tesseract or hypercube. Ngyah!
No comments:
Post a Comment