Break Away

I realized that in my whole life most of my dreams revolved around freedom knowingly or unknowingly. Freedom to do what I want to do, freedom to say what I want to say, freedom to be what I want to be. I guess this is because ever since I was a kid I was overprotected. My best friend was the first one to make me realize and opened me up to what I wanted most in life... freedom. I may not be free physically to do what I want to do, but I have been given the gift of imagination to think beyond what is real and usual. My body can't be free but my mind is free, and I won't let anyone hinder my thoughts because in the deepest recesses of my mind I feel my freedom, freedom to be who I wish I could be. I feel freedom in the simplest things that make me happy. I feel freedom with my friends, freedom in hearing my favorite music, in communicating with my Creator and in reminiscence, in a story that touches my heart, freedom in the rush of the cold breeze, in the blueness of the heavens, in the greeness of the fields, in seeing the mountains from afar, in staring at the night sky, in wandering on a lonely street, in the rustling of tree leaves, in the humming of the birds, in the sound of the waves of the sea, in the gentlest sunshine seeping through the window, in the flying flock of geese, in the dashing of a creature in the wild, and freedom in the feeling of being alone but not really being alone. This is one of the reasons why I want to be a writer, for if I learn how to express these thoughts of mine and turn it into something tangible, a form that can be understood by many, then I can impart my message to other people who are willing to listen. They say a picture paints a thousand words. So I wished to be an artist too, but sadly I don't have the talent to draw accurately in a short period of time. But somehow I wish, I wish to create graphical images that can represent my inner self, emotions and desires, a personal work of art that I can be proud of. It's been long since I first heard this song, but it is just recently that I figured out that it is MY SONG:

"I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change"
- Break Away, Kelly Clarkson

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Oct 4, 2008
Umattend kami ng lupus meeting after my general check up. The theme was sex and hormones in lupus, something like that. Like I want to confirm and heard over and over again, risky nga raw talaga magbuntis ang mga patients coz it can activate flares. Funny, that I am happy to hear that, why? Ayoko talaga mabuntis from the very start. Marinig ko lang kung paano manganganak at mga ginagawang procedure, para na akong hihimatayin at di ko na ma-take. Akala ko nga dati totally bigay lang ni Lord ang baby. Mag-asawa ka lang tapos bahala na si Lord bumuo ng baby sa tiyan mo whether you like it or not. Check mo nalang kung talagang pregnant ka na. Actually I like that idea, pero di pala ganun, hehe. Kung si Lord lang pala sana bahala sa pagbubuntis mo payag ako, pero dahil sa inyo pala nakasalalay kung gagawa kayo baby o hinde, eh in my opinion, mag-adopt nalang. Hehe... ^^" Praning, praning, praning... hahaha! Eh baket, kapag nadedski ako, wala na ring silbi kung di ko maalagaan yung baby ko noh! Ayan na naman ako sa pag-iisip na mag-alaga nalang ng aso, ano ba yan! Hehe, siguro sa past life ko aso ako? Posible, harharhar!

Ang saya nga kasi nakatanggap ako ng lupus diary na 800+ ang presyo. Buti nalang nagregister si mama kaya napasali name ko sa raffle. Nagkita kami uli ni Ate Daryl, nakabalik na siya mula sa Bahrain. Nainggit nga ako kasi kasama niya bestfriend niya. Ako nga walang kaibigang naisasama sa mga personal events ng buhay ko. Ganun talaga, dahil meron din silang sariling buhay, at nahihiya ako magyaya at nahihiya din ako sa family ko. I just yearn to have a friend that I can treat like a part of my family. Di na kami pumunta sa bday party ni Dra. Navarra sa 7th floor.

Nakakahiya aminin pero medyo takot ako sa mga senior colleagues ko sa organization. Hehe... Nakakatakot kasi sila pag magalit. Oh well, I know its part of the psychology of being a patient. Madali kang mapagod, madali ka mastress so you want everyone to cooperate, kaya nagiging mainit ang ulo mo sa mga pasaway. Kung sa bagay, nakakapagod nga naman maging leader. Natamaan nga ako nung nagsermon si Ate Marilyn. Hehe! 5 Minutes lang daw na may sasabihin papagalitan pala kami lahat sa kwarto. Biruin mo ang dami na matatanda sa kwarto pero pinagsasabihan pa din. Hehe. Dapat daw makipagkaibigan ang mga old patients sa new patients para di raw ma-OP yung mga baguhan. May point nga si ate duon. She said exactly what has to be said. Of course, we must make everyone feel at home. Pero ako kasi nanduon nananahimik, tawa ng tawa sa sarili kasi duon sa topic ng marriage may picture ni Usagi at Mamuro ng Sailormoon kaya naalala ko si Tonielie, hehe, di ko tuloy nakausap yung mag-ama sa tabi ko. Nahihiya kasi ako, tapos parang mejo sup pa naman yung girl, pero siguro ganun lang first impression ko sa kanya, haha. Tangs kasi me, hmph! Kulang pa ako sa lakas ng loob. Sayang talaga! Pagod na talaga ako magsabi ng "sayang" sa sarili ko. Nakakadismaya talaga ako. GRmph!

Oct 5, 2008
Uhm btw, to talk about PDA Little Dreamers, I really love that kid Philip. Tuwang-tuwa ako tuwing nakikita ko at naririnig kumanta. He really got a very beautiful singing voice. So cute, (nice cool long hair kiddo!) and natural star performer talaga. Congratulations, Atta boy! Actually when I first saw him I thought he was a girl. He really deserves to be the Grand Star Little Dreamer. I'm so happy kasi he's really the one I want to win. Kawaii ne! Suki desu! ^_____^