Omaigash! (Edited version)

I have onced asked myself, am I lesbian? I actually don't bother myself with that kind of issue of personality check but I admit I find myself somewhat different. I have a lot of girl crushes and rarely guys. I find women more interesting and am more inclined, more patient, and more kind, more comfortable, more affectionate towards them. I think it may be because I wanted an older sister or a twin sister, someone I can call "Nee-chan". Someone who can be older or in the same age as mine, but I can treat as someone equal. Someone "na kayang makipagsabayan sa akin and kaya kong makipagsabayan sa kanya." But even though I admire or love these girl friends of mine, never did I wish any more of a relationship beyond being friends. Just having forming a bond of friendship with them is enough for me. Yeah I love them as a friend or like a sister, but this is always the greatest love I can give to a person. But I think its fun too to have someone to be my "kuya" or "onii-chan". Someone who would protect me if I am bullied. Someone who would treat and love me as his baby sister, play and laugh with me, share my passions, patiently teach me things I want to know, share everything with me, treat me with my favorite food, surprise me with little gifts and gives me pasalubong. Yeah, one who sort of spoils me but someone I could look up to and be my role model. Someone who could tame me and knows how to handle me. Someone who could make me listen if I don't want to hear anymore. Someone who could make me laugh when I start to cry. Someone who can calm me if I start to get mad. Someone who makes me feel I'm the best when I feel such a loser. Someone who can make me comfortable whenever I feel sick. Someone who could turn me into a good girl when I become stubborn. As the quote goes, "I CAN ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, BUT STILL, I WANT TO MEET THE PERSON WHO CAN PROVE TO ME THAT I CAN'T..." haha! Ayus yun ah! But what if my Onii-chan falls in love and marries someone? Omaygali! Noooo... waah! Nobody will want my Onii-chan, nooo! It will be hard to give away my onii-chan.... huhuhu! Kuya, wag po, wag po! Wag niyo ko iwan! WaaaaH!

Before I used to have boy playmates but since they play too rough or their language is a bit rough, I have to back away. I do have some guy friends in elementary but I guess our friendship's just nothing, I think they won't remember it anyway.I also don't want to get involved or teased with another boy in class so I just keep distance. I start to be a little annoyed with them because they give me headaches. They're one of the reasons I don't want to be elected a class officer because you just waste your time scolding and screaming at them because they won't fall in line. It makes me hate to be a leader when you have them as your groupmates coz they will just play around and not cooperate. I can just count my guy friends with the fingers of my hand, and I just hadn't been close with anyone of them. Some I liked a bit because they're funny, kind or smart, but these feelings are not admiration nor crushes. Yeah, ever since elementary I've never been interested in guys except for some boybands and then after some time resorted to anime bishonen. I don't look one in the eye and neither do I stop to take a long look at them. I'm more interested in myself and my surroundings.

I guess another thing that made me a bit uneasy with guys is being too conservative. I used to be in an all-girl school and never met any guys much during my home schooling. I never experienced prom. I also hate flirts or people we call "malandi" even I was still a child. Agh, I don't even know how to flirt. I remember even hating to wear fitting jeans, bathing suit, P.E. shorts and skirts not exceeding knee level whenever I go outside the house. There's nothing I can do coz I'm still a kid and they'll just say, "Sus, wala namang makikita sa iyo, ambata-bata mo pa." I had also been wearing a bra and a sando at the same time, and shorts inside my pants for so long, but now not anymore coz it's too hot and uncomfy. I have rooted on the principle that sex is not important in a relationship (except if you wanted to have children of your own blood) and it's possible for me to live and die a virgin even if I marry. I actually became a bit proud of myself being "hard to get", because it made me realize I'm not like what you call "kalapating mababa ang lipad." Sa sobrang taas na nga ng lipad ko, nahihirapan na nga akong bumaba. NgyaHk! I grew up in a conservative environment and family that avoids talking about sex. I've seen some porn before (of course, secretly) but I now just feel bored and sleepy with those sort of stuff. I'd rather fill my room with horror and violent movies (dont worry I'm not a scary and violent person), anime series, fiction books, mp3s and stuffed toys or collection of keychains, coz they do make me feel better. I guess I always want to retain an innocent-likechildhood part in me coz I felt safe being this way. The reason why I watch horror and gory stuff is some sort of psychological. I watch because it's my mind's way of fighting my fears, fear of blood and fear of ghosts. Now I don't wince when I see blood and I'm not scared being in the dark anymore. That is my way of facing my own fears. Weird but effective, ne? Oh well I admit I still have that green-minded attitude in me, but not as worse as in my elementary days. It's actually just an external influence I still can't get rid of and still find useful when figuring out double meanings spoken or sung by someone. I may act indifferent but not ignorant of what others are talking about and when they decide to use it against me, I won't be dumb and stupid. I remember the joke "Jack, tawagin mo ako", and my classmates told me to translate it into English. Che! Kala nila maiisahan nila me. Di nga ako nagsalita. KJ haha! But I think green jokes are not funny anyway, I don't even know what the heck is funny with it.

Oh well, I guess my being a bit boyish are genes that may have come from my two titas who were tomboys. *lolz* Before I thought they were really men, but my mom told me they were real women. Haha! But I admit I like being a bit boyish sometimes coz I do feel comfortable with it. I'm tired of being "too mahinhin" coz my body feels stiff and numb if I don't move much. I don't want to be too much kikay coz I don't think being girlish fits me. Parang "Yuck as if, feeling ko madidiscover ako kung magpapa-gurl ako?!" But still I can never change the fact that I have a heart and mind of a lady. And I will still love the fact that I am a girl who's half a man. Haha! Gabriela Silang ba ito o Joan of Arc? Hehe!