We've decided to be friends forever and never more than that. I think its even better this way. No more hurts, no more tears, no more fears, no more expectations, no more misunderstandings, no more suppressed thoughts and feelings. I tried my best to love him but I guess I failed. It's not really what I'm meant to be for. I'm just good as a friend. I'm not ready to commit and compromise, for it's my difference that makes me whole. My heart, my mind and my eyes are set on my dreams. Call me selfish, but I'd rather call myself ambitious. Knowing I commit myself to God is enough for me. And for my friends, they will always have a special place in my heart. At least I gave him a chance, I tried giving him a space in me, but somehow its too much for me to carry.
He told me he was confused with our relationship. Actually I was too. I remember telling him a lot of times, we'd just first be friends and no mentioning about any relationship. All I wanted is for us to be close friends first so that I can get to know him more and I can decide if we can be more than that. I just hate the term gf/bf because it feels like a short-term romantic relationship. I want to be called either just his friend or his fiance. We went through the-getting-to-know stage, where we dated. But we really both have different feelings and things in mind. I really want to act, laugh and talk naturally about casual things like we're good friends while I guess all he wanted more was love, love and love. @_@
I admit I almost start to have feelings for him while we we're just beginning a friendship (that was a year ago), but some thing arose between us like a slap on my face giving me reasons to stop. Why? Even when we're still new friends, we've already been through a lot of arguments. I never experienced this much trouble with my other friends before, that's why I was a bit traumatized with being too close with him. A year passed, things seemed fine and still I believed people can change and they can prove to me that my doubts about them are wrong. So I hoped and waited... but I always end up disappointed. I'm not the right person for him and neither is he for me. We'll just end up hurting each other more. We shouldn't risk that happening. I thought if both parties have the same love for God it would suffice. But we're different, having dreams, priorities, perceptions, beliefs and ways that could not seem to meet. Our personalities don't complement nor balance each other but rather together with our imperfections and differences they clash at one another. That's it, we're not compatible, simply never meant to be a couple.
He needed someone who would instantly fall for him in a very short time. Someone whose dream is to meet her true love and someday have a family of her own. A girl who is very hoplessly romantic, sweet and mushy so that she'll be able to respond well to his sweet musings. One whose heart would only beat for him alone.'Coz I'm just simply not that type.
I noticed that even if you try too hard to avoid hurting others, it always end up that way, even for the reason that you want to set things right. It's one of the greatest paradox of life. I guess this happens because we have to be shaken before we awaken. If anything goes wrong, I believe God will definitely help us set things right but before He does we should be able to figure out what's wrong with us and try to help ourselves as much as we could.
I realized that you can never guarantee you will fall in love with your ideal guy/girl, neither can you guarantee he or she will fall for you. I believe that God will let me fall for the right person at the right moment. True love can wait, and it will come out naturally without being forced.
I guess this will be the last time I'm going to talk about this issue. I want to rest and get rid of all the insecurities and pains that been crawling over my mind in the past few weeks. Allow me heal myself and return to where I once stood up for.
My mama said
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes
- You Can't Hurry Love, Toni Gonzaga
1 comment:
again, wrong conclusions, wrong impressions and misinterpretations.. all these things you wrote about me was all what you would like to conclude about ME, for your sake.. i mean, seriously?? if all i wanted was someone to fall instantly for me, i wouldn't chose you at the first place, not at all, you're making me look so DUMB, geez, i even would think you're judging me.. and its like you look at me so very low that you think of yourself so high, well goodluck of such characteristic. hopelessly romantic? seriously? i am to you? all i did was to care and consider to care, and just tried to find out if we could have relationship, something i would want to foresee to be strong, but, all i get is to understand you, not that im complaining, its what i did, because i have a heart for you and you know that.. what happen was i just found something to conclude myself, something you believed that i took it as a slap in my face, that hurt my heart painful enough for me to lose my hopes.. and also that's the reason why you keep having disappointments yourself. because to you, "there's no such thing as unconditional love, its all just illusions".. *sighs* well, goodluck with that..but hey, you see, i took it no hard feelings, i still keep my undertandings for you, cares and my heart.. and a lot of considerations..
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